the most hectic beach day

Here's a chronology of yesterday at Wamberal Lagoon.

12pm - left home, GPS estimate travel time 80 minutes travel time
2pm - arrived after inexplicable traffic jam at various points (and it's Saturday afternoon!)
2:30pm - went in for my first swim after having lunch
2:50pm - got out of the water
3pm - started to set up the tent
3:30pm-lying in the tent watching light clouds passing the patch of blue sky; munching a leftover sandwich and thinking to myself how good life is.
3:33pm - felt the first drop of rain.
3:35pm - got out of the tent and started setting up the rain cover
3:50pm - still setting up the rain cover; storm arrived.
4pm - hid inside the tent while thunders roared and wind threatened to blow my tent away; K was still working on the rain cover, soaked
4:10pm - K gave up on the last bit of rain cover which was supposed to be an extension; both of us waited inside the tent; thunderstorm and heavy rain; to our relief, wind stopped.
4:30pm - rain stopped; dark clouds hang over the horizon; very cold; we quickly broke camp and scrambled back to the car.
5:50pm - got home; covered in sand; exhausted

Reflective Journal: Stop, Breathe and Verify

Forewords

The reason of starting this journal is detailed in my previous post. So I'll simply say on this occasion that I'm writing this series to countermanding my tendency to react to unverified facts.

Journal 1

"When you respond to something done by a person whose previous similar behaviour left you with a strong negative impression, you are more than likely to "see" things that would confirm your negative impression but are in fact disconnected with the facts. So stop, breathe and verify."

We were in an email session to discuss a non-refundable purchase. One of us (A) once overstepped my autonomy which made me wary of its reoccurrence.

On this particular occasion, we were going to either make individual purchases or group purchase. In the busy exchange of emails, some of us confirmed that we were going to fly solo, to which A did not respond. The next email we got from A was addressed to everybody "I've made the purchase. Here are the details!" I scrolled down and 'saw' that a non-refundable purchase was made for everyone in the group. In a moment of fury thinking that he overstepped my autonomy again, I emailed back.
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It wasn't an offensive email by all means. So by the time I read A's email again properly with all the images and texts displayed and confirm that A only purchased for himself, I was able to withdraw my previous email with a simple "sorry". But this could have all been avoided if only I read A's email slowly and without prejudice.

verify the facts, me lawyer

I cannot overstate the importance of verifying the facts before reacting. This is a hard lesson learnt from my many failures to observe this fundamental rule of lawyering. By far, my negligence hasn't caused any damages because it took place in my private life. But drastic action is needed to make sure it will never ever happen in my practice life that beings in late 2012.

There is an efficient measure, if I can scrupulously use it every time I'm about to respond.

1. take a deep breath;
2. ask myself "is it true?" "Have you seen it properly with your own eyes in a CALM state of mind?" The emphasis is on "calm" because otherwise you may look, but you don't see.
3. rationalise your emotions, and measure your response. The golden rule is, never reveal an emotive unless emotive expression is conducive in the circumstances.
4. start a reflective journal which is what I'll do next.

not born with it

I recently realised that I have an idealist view on human nature. If I meet strangers in the street, I always assume that they are polite, kind, compassionate and virtuous unless they prove otherwise. Some strangers become acquaintances, and some acquaintances become friends. All of a sudden, I make a shocking discovery that they are just as flawed as everyone else and me. This always, always, without fail, always make me wish that I didn't know them.

I do admit that I feel good for assuming that strangers are good. It gives me a false sense of security of living amongst angels. And I am disgruntled every time I nose-dive into reality. So the problem lies within me. I lack the ability to reconcile with reality. Perhaps, I was just not born with it. And...

A sobre note on petty and great things

Recently, I went into the retreat mode, i.e. "keeping house". I had an aggrandised reason to do so - study. But covertly, I was hating one of my neighbours so intensely that I decided the mere sight of him is repulsive. This was of course one of those nosy neighbours that love to make their presence felt - incessant smoking, loud talking on the phone, parading the neighbourhood, finger-pointing etc.

It all started from petty neighbourhood disputes with a dose of harsh personality. What I saw to my horror was not how quickly he turned himself into an asshole, but how quickly I disintegrated from a person of reason to a person of inexplicable negativity. Just everything about this neighbour was disgusting, I thought. The whole neighbourhood is polluted by his existence...Maybe I should throw a stone at his window...

It's perhaps not so surprising that a few seconds of hatred would demolish a few year's building of rationality. It corresponds with the law of nature that it takes less to destruct than construct. This is probably what happened here. Hatred is tempting because it is easier for me to do right now. And it gives us a false sense of power over others, whereas we in fact have no meaningful power over anything, not even ourselves if our rational being is the one that's been conquered.

So as I write down these words in a calm drizzling morning like this, I feel sobre and strong again, as if I've just held up a mirror to my smeared face and wiped off the dirt. I may not be a friend to this neighbour for a long time to come, but at least I know that now I'm able to walk away from him without hatred.

intoxication

I watched this TV drama about court politics in early Han dynasty. It is a cliche of a storyline: throne, heir, concubines, kill your own brother and tragical love. There is something intoxicating about all that. I wonder if a yearning for power and abuse is internal to everyone.

back to square one

It's jolly great to be home in the morning again. I'm uncertain if Gaya enjoys my company - she did alright on her own for the past month. Now she probably is at a loss to place me. So she lay down, back against me, under our antique radio in a bundle of morning sunshine. She might be secretly enjoying the classic music and the velvety voice of its hostess.

I have just worked one-month full time at a little law firm. Apart from bad ventilation and glaring ceiling lights, it is a very nice little place. Everyone was wonderfully appreciative and self-conscious. But towards the end, it became clear that they had not enough work to keep a PLT around, let alone a graduate. I have to reason with myself to look forward. After all, I have to go where work is, not where nice people are. There is no immediate need for that. Right now, I will relocate my time back into study given my full-time load and a big moot.

So hopefully, a problem will resolve itself in the end. I wish. Or as the Chinese saying goes, there'll always be a way when you drive the car to the foot of a mountain.