big sister 2

I concede that I will probably disqualify myself as a big sister if there is any test on sisterhood as such. My problem was that I tend to have inconsistent performance when the subject of my authority/affection changes.

This particular situation was aggravated because we were all cousins and only saw each other occassionally. We children, though all from one-child families and having only each other as the closest thing to a sibling, were nonetheless deliberately kept apart. This probably had less to do with the fact that we lived in different households than that we were raised by idiosyncratic parents who, without exception (i stress), were methodical and competitive "educators" that viewed their child's "peer influence" with open suspicion.

I was after all impressionable and chose the subjects of my affection according to how well their parents were viewed by mine. So I was justifiably hostile towards my second younger cousin whose mom was widely disliked for being uneducated and selfish. I was very loving and big-sisterly to my third younger cousin whose unwaivering support I enjoyed as much as my mom enjoyed the support of her mom when both of them were little. I was also quite ready to love the only boy cousin I had because he was so sweet to me like a puppy and his parents had no obvious row with mine. Along the same line of logic, I was indifferent to my youngest cousin whose parents rarely mingled with us anyway.

It is pathetic that I only realize now that growing up from one-child familes we were all a tad lonely and perhaps all wanted a big sister to look up to. But gone is the childhood where a little warmth and a little companionship would really go a long way. I was unknowingly entangled in the adults' politics that I was not really a good big sister.