Self-interest

When I was ten, I dare not think that the loving people around me are self-interested human beings. They spent time with me and professed selfless love for me. I never suspected that this was only an impression that comes and stays with childhood.

Reality first rang from the Tardis when I was in college. That day, my aunt visited with her favourite niece under her wings. They were going to take me out for dinner. I was thrilled because this was the first visit I'd had from someone so close to me in my childhood since moving away. My aunt used to take the children out on excursions, many of which left me with fond memories. We harvested mushrooms, had picnic and travelled. Boy it was fun.

As it was still early when they arrived, we sat down by a stone table in the botanic garden just outside my dorm. I didn't know how it was started. But before I knew it, the two of them put on their righteous hat and attacked me for "ripping off" my parents. I remember sitting there flabbergasted. I was the model student, and I worked part-time to support myself throughout college. It was true that my parents were having a particularly difficult time at then because of their failing relationship. As a result, there was a lot of financial tension. But that didn't give these two any right to accuse me of things I didn't do. Nor did I think that they had a right to talk to me about my family affair in the first place. I didn't know where my aunt was coming from whilst assuming that she had the best intention. But naturally, I lost all appetite for dinner to the attack. I excused myself and left.

It was much later that I learnt that she was short of money for business at then and wanted to borrow money from my mom. The only obstacle between her and my mom's money was my need. If I didn't need anything from my parents, like asking my parents if I could continue my study abroad, she would have had no problem persuading her sister to use the money otherwise. It was long since that visit, so I wasn't shocked, perhaps just mildly disgusted upon learning it.  Nonetheless, it was the first time that I realised that even people close to you harbour self-interest. And there's not a shred of doubt what they might choose to do when our interests clash.

My aunt who was so dear to me when I was a child further added to my disappointment. The last one involved her accusing me of "wanting" my inheritance again (speaking as if my parents were dead) when I asked her to return the title deed of my mom's apartment for an asset assessment that was required for visa. She had borrowed the title deed unbeknownst to me as a collateral security for a judgment debt. It was clever of her to do it behind my back because unlike my parents I would've known the risk involved. She made convincing promises to return it. Yet when our need became urgent, she tried to get away with it, put on her righteous hat and attacked me again.

That was the eureka moment of my belated realisation. Whilst I prefer to see myself as the baby in front them, I was no longer the cuddly and harmless thing with whom one could feel completely at ease. I have grown into this person with self-interests just like them. And when I do stand in their way, I am too big to be picked up and put aside.

I guess the moral of the story is: be aware that you have grown up.