why bitterness about others doesn't matter when you are a creature of light

I feel incredibly bitter by my mom's indifference to our medical issues. She has been very good at getting people's attention with her real or imaginary medical issues. When I was little, she used to tell us on daily basis how many different types of diseases she had at any one time. When I retold that to my friends, I was ridiculed. Despite all her claims, she was healthy, kicking and yelling.

When I realised that she couldn't give a damn to my life is when I get adult onset asthma. She gave me some words of concern in a panicky tone. Afterwards, she said she discharged her duties and did not mention another word. Then when K got peptic ulcer in the same period and could not swallow solid food, I called my mom for some Chinese herbal remedy because K did not want his mom to know. Oh boy, the kind of sarcasm and indifference I received!! She was going to blame it on our lack of (her) faith, which is another matter and completely untrue. She hung up on me before I finished talking. I rang back to ask if she hung up or if I lost connection. She said she thought there was nothing more to say.

It is true that she has now discharged all duties and humane concerns about my life. I think she did it the moment I stopped sponsoring her religious activities, the moment I put the financial security of their retired life ahead of her other monetary needs, the moment I stopped siding with her in badmouthing my dad, and the moment I wanted them to stop poisoning my life with all their negativities.

I am still under the illusion that somehow I could have a pair of positive parents and somehow I could fix their lives by thriving for a good life myself. It is the same illusion many children from abusive relationships have shared. I have tried so many things in the past seven years to fix things for them, but none worked. They are still bitter and preoccupied with themselves. I think it's time for me to reconcile with the reality, and accept that everyone is as selfish as he/she wants to be.

There is a hole in someone else's life I cannot fix. But I can fix the hole in my life by letting God's light shining through it. It's just as what I say in my prayers - "God, please put my soul in your loving palm and guide me to a life that is fulfilled, happy and beneficial to others." I have become unapologetically a follower of my Lord, the universal god, the law upon all.