Going in circles

Today something happened that upset me more than I thought it would. A life-saving transaction that my previous employer was expecting fell through the crack. I didn't particularly enjoying my work. But I must admit the people were fantastic and I had a great boss and fun colleagues. I left by my own choice when the crisis struck earlier this year. And then naturally after a while, I stopped missing the them. But when I heard of their deal with a Chinese company, I was excited for them from the bottom of my heart, notwithstanding that I'm ethnically Chinese. I guess, though I did not see myself returning to work there, I was waiting as gingerly and expectantly as they are for the deal to go through. Now, when I heard the news this morning, I was shocked and could only imagine the kind of uncertainty and anxiety that my friends are experiencing for the second time in a year... I'm really depressed for them. But well, today is not exactly a good day. But tomorrow will bear promises if we haven't already given up hope.

On the home front, I spoke to dad for the first time in many months (naturally because I had a big fallout with mom). Dad was particularly happy about the fact that I am after all not practising Buddhism full-time as he inferred from eardropping on phone conversations between mom and me. Honestly, these two people who gave birth to me might as well give me a split personality. Dad: you must be ambitious and successful and no more questions; Mom: don't waste your time on worldly pursuits. And in her usual dramatic manner, I can imagine her saying high-pitchedly "oh my gosh, you wasted so much time on become a lawyer?" Come to think of it, currently I'm only happy to spend 1 hour a day on sprititual practice and 9 hours on wordly pursuit... And this mades Dad smile and mom snort. I can't please them both, nor is it my duty to having been someone who has a historic track of disobedience and contempt to traditional Chinese clan values. The real issue here is that however much time I decide to spend on something I'll never do it half-heartedly. This statement will quench their anxiety for the time being.

In all honesty, why am I studying law apart from the obvious reason that I love it? When I was in China, I decided to settle abroad because I thought that with my lack of motivation and ambition I would never live an easy life while still making enough money to sustain myself and support my parents though they are actually quite self-sufficient. So 50% of the reason of coming here was for my parents. Now I sound like having digressed again with this whole thing of coming out to Australia. So now why am I studying law? You will not be surprised to find that I decided to study law so I could work internationally and maybe in China in my parents' last years. Needless to say, I expect this career take sustainable to my future kids (I mean, I'm not a gold digger and all that and I actually take pleasure in being independent). So almost 5 years on, 50% of the reason of my studying law and hoping to work in China is my parents again.

Does history repeat itself. Or is it all because I did NOT LEARN!